i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
