90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
