I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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