I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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