you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it glows. i had to have it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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