just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Text me some of your sweat
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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