every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
