Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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