another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
