This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Let's get the cat blown out
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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