shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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