just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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