I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
