I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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