i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
