i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
