Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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