I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
