If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
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Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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