Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
