he told me I talked like a deaf person
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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