My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
you made out with another girl for some wings
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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