I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
