His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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