Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
