to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
