my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
