So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
