You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
