Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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