hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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