I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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