I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
