I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
