remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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