i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Two words: nipple clamps
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