that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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