Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
