Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
