I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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