I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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