first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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