phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She tied me up with her honor cords...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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