mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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