do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
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