My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
