I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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