Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
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