Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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