I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
