this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's always time for handjobs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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