I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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