i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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