On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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