Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
