she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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